By Mike Kowalewski
Dateline: Bell Field (June 3, 2025)
The outlook wasn’t promising for the annual Department Picnic this year. The day began as a dark and stormy morning, with steady showers and stiff breezes. Then came an all-campus Air Quality Alert from Campus Security noting that because a good deal of Ontario was presently on fire, the air quality in Northfield was deemed to be “Very Unhealthy” and outdoor activities would have to be cancelled until conditions improved. Our intrepid Chair George Shuffelton, along with Solvei Robertson, immediately sprang into action and came up with an alternate plan. While the annual softball game would, sadly, have to be cancelled because of smoke, the Departmental Picnic, it was announced, was still on and would be held in Evans Lounge rather than on a soggy, smoky Bell Field.
One of the most astonishing moments of this year’s Picnic happened at the beginning of the festivities, out of the view of most attendees, on the north side of Evans Hall. Because we could not use the charcoal grill on the field, Solvei arranged for a giant propane grill to be brought in. Grillmaster Shuffelton, with some capable help from an ever-cheerful Abby Quade, had matters well in hand, with some veggie burgers merrily roasting on his side of the BBQ. But as all medievalists know, the goddess Fortune is fickle and unpredictable – for suddenly a propane valve broke loose on the grill and sent a jet of flame shooting out in a manner that threatened to have George join Ontario in catching on fire. While not quite the size of the recent eruption of Mt. Etna, and not quite as combustible as recent faculty discussions about revising the English major, George did prefer to finish up his final year as Chair without going up in smoke, so he quickly turned off the propane tank and all was well. With further help from Caroline Cooper and a dashing young Winston Ingalls, the rest of the BBQ went smoothly and the department retired to Evans Lounge to dine on a veritable feast of burgers, hot dogs, veggies, fresh fruit, chips, cookies and other treats. Whatever else the English Department does, it certainly knows how to eat well!
Once fortified and once again feeling comfortably nonflammable, George announced that since we couldn’t play softball, the Seniors could choose their form of competition in their annual skirmish against the World. A quick decision was made to play foosball, something which hadn’t been done since the 2018 Picnic. The two sides lined up on both sides of the table. Leading the charge for the Seniors was Carolina Cabanela, Arthur Koenig, Abby Quade and Jesse Barker Plotkin. George, Gwen Kirby, Fieldmaster Arnab Chakladar and Peter Marshall represented the World. As a normal plastic ball was unavailable, and as English majors are ever the problem solvers, a ball – no, rather a quasi-sphere made of crumpled aluminum – was quickly fabricated and dropped at mid-field and the battle began.
The World (after two straight years of victory) approached the battle flush with confidence and perhaps a touch of hubris. But it was immediately apparent that the Seniors were unimpressed and they quickly made their presence known. Even though he was given a stick that featured a plastic player with only a torso and no legs, Jesse immediately proved that he has fully recovered from a recent frisbee accident to his arm. He and all the Seniors displayed remarkable hand-eye coordination, lightning quick reflexes and a ferocious will to win. Peter Marshall employed a distinctive, two-handed “perpetual spin” technique but the frenetic twirling by the World proved to be full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. While some World players tried to determine which end was their goal, the Seniors remained intently focused on scoring. Arnab managed to send two consecutive balls flying off the table like rogue comets, arcing up and hitting innocent bystanders. The first hit Carleton President Alison Byerly, who had graciously decided to attend the Picnic and join the ranks of the World. The second one flew up and hit Holly Lake. There was apparently no malicious intent, so no penalty cards were assigned. But spectators did start paying closer attention to the game, if only to protect themselves from future catapults from Arnab. Players began subbing in for both sides: Holly Lake, Valentine Wiener, and Elinor Rees-Hill for the Seniors; Leo Besen, Lizzy Coy-Bjork, Emily Coccia and Winston Ingalls for the World. Both sides traded goals, and though Arnab kept surreptitiously trying to add points to the World’s scoreboard and to manually knock in a few extra goals, when the first period ended the Seniors were ahead 8-5.
The World was stunned. Realizing they were not going to win based on their good looks alone, the team tried to up their game. Long shots, ricochet shots, strange offensive moves in which, for instance, George banged his man on an immobile ball (“Yes!” George shouted. “No!” George shouted.): all were part of the action. New players subbed in and out: Alison Byerly, Ryan Bernstein, Clara McGee, and Megan Haak came in for the World; Olivia Ho subbed in for the Seniors. Enthusiastic roars went up whenever the Seniors scored. (No mute inglorious Miltons in this crowd!) Raucous cheers, led by Adriana Estill, went up for the World. The atmosphere was electric. It was impossible to remain unaffected by the spectacle. It was the field of play now – instead of the BBQ grill – that was on fire. Carolina Cabanela elicited gasps of admiration when she somehow bounced a shot over a defender’s stick. Senior hearts were gladdened and the World was losing its nerve. When the dust settled at the end of the second period, the Seniors were up 16-8!
Throwing caution to the wind, Nancy Cho checked in at the start of the third and final period and the World held its breath. Would Nancy’s presence make the difference? When her team immediately scored two goals, it appeared that she might be the secret weapon the World was looking for. The World pulled out all the stops. Florence Basile and Thomas Sorokti checked in for the team, as did Peter Balaam, who provided some ferocious defense. But Abby, Jesse, Holly, Carolina, Arthur and the rest of the Senior team were not to be denied. With their eyes on the prize they continued to pour in goal after goal over the thwacks and spins and the clacking of the sticks. When the final goal was scored, the result was the first Senior victory in three years, a decisive 24-12 win.
As good sportsmanship is of course the trademark of the Carleton English Department, the contest ended with the traditional lineup of “good game” hand slaps and then a group photo. Afterwards, the Seniors were exultant. Several were quick to point out that the Class of ’25 had won both of their previous two games as part of the World, so they are now the first truly undefeated cohort in recent departmental memory. The key to their success? The loud, supportive crowd helped, as did frequent substitutions which left the Seniors “rested and ready” when they came back in. “Arnab, however, provided our core motivation,” Arthur Koenig declared. “He was so bad at foosball that he motivated us to be better.” Several Seniors highlighted Jesse Barker Plotkin’s talents as a key part of their victory. For his part, Jesse, with characteristic modesty, simply said it was important “to trap the ball in a spot where it couldn’t be reached.” He was reminded that that meant the Seniors also couldn’t reach the ball. Unfazed by paradox, Jesse replied, “yes, that’s true.” Holly Lake, Valentine Wiener and Carolina Cabanela were all motivated by the fact that the Seniors hadn’t won in several years, which steeled their determination. Carolina also noted that giving the Seniors a legless player was “symbolic of how the World never gives you a fair shake” but Jesse added that “it did make the figure more lightweight and easier to maneuver, even if he couldn’t do anything.”
For its part, the World was disconcerted but undaunted. “We were generous and our hearts were full of pity for the Seniors,” Arnab opined, “so we let them win. It was good to let them enjoy one victory before an upcoming lifetime of pain.” Rumors suggested that DOGE cuts to the World’s training facilities might have handicapped the team. Some implausibly tried to see the improvised ball used in the game as an act of Senior skullduggery. Others, such as new incoming Second Laird Miscellany Editor Clara McGee were more magnanimous: “it’s been a wild year for the World, so it felt good to see the Seniors win.” New rising Chair Peter Balaam agreed but also took the long view. “Congratulations to the Seniors but remember, Seniors come and go. The World is forever.” (Recruiting on the Transfer Portal for next year’s team will undoubtedly start soon under his watch.)
And so, as another academic year comes to a satisfying close with the good news that our current Chair remains unincinerated, students and faculty can return to their essays and grading to finish out the term. And this year’s Seniors will undoubtedly finish their classes and prepare for Commencement with a special spring in their step, for they now know that they can indeed safely enter the World because they’ve already soundly beaten it.
Your Humble Scribe,
(From Evans Lounge)
Mike Kowalewski
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